High above the city, from scaffolding of steel
Two strapping scaffolders are chucking orange peel
Both read their 'Playboy' and smoke their No. 6
And talk about the ref allowing all those penalty kicks
Then one tells the other the news he's heard that day:
They say the foreman's girder swings the other way -

Is he one? I'd never have guessed
You never can tell today
To see one, they're like all the rest
Of us, well, live and let live, that's what I say.
To be one might be kind of fun
So I'll tell you what I'll do
If you will still be my sweet baby
I'll tell you I'm one too.

Up in the convent, never ones to shirk,
Two blessed nuns are hard at work
Both spread the gossip to keep up to scratch
The knowledge of the convent as they tend the cabbage patch:
'Sister Bruno's smoking' - 'Sister Agnes eats too much -
And Sister George's habit is a thing you shouldn't touch

Is she one? I'd never have guessed etc

Up in the boardroom, beside his penthouse flat
The chairman has invited all the board in for a chat.
'Gentlemen, I'm sorry,' he says, 'But we've gone bust
'So let me make confession to the folks that I most trust.'
And leaping from the window, he screams 'I loved you all' -
While all the board start muttering as his stocks begin to fall:

'Was he one? I'd never have guessed etc.'

Parish Bring-and-Buy Sale, Miss Smith and Mrs Brown
Are putting up the trestles as they put their best friends down
Miss Smith says 'Lady Slummit thought the membership would build
'If we held less formal meetings of the Townswomen's Guild;
'But I say sitting naked with her friends Val and Midge
'Is not exactly my idea of a friendly hand of bridge.'

'Is she one? I'd never have guessed etc.'

Midnight in the Commons, while most backbenchers kip,
The member for You-Guessed-It has a session with the Whip;
Later in the Clubroom she has a little grouse
About the latest scandal which may well divide the House
The MP for 'Well-You-Know' does things I shouldn't say -
I've heard his private members' bill quite exceeds his pay

'Is he one? I'd never have guessed etc.'

The football season's with us, they're playing for the Cup,
And hugging fellows on the field is on the up and up;
But later in the showers, the striker's looking black
And starting to have doubts, he says, about the new Full Back,
'I thought I was mistaken, but now I realise
That as I kissed him for the goal, he said I'd lovely thighs.'

Is he one? I'd never have guessed etc.

Round at the barracks, where life is tough and hard
Two young lieutenants have begun to change the guard.
The guard tells the others that he never gets afraid
As he does thiings in privates when he keeps them on parade.
And also Major Swallow does things you'd never guess -
I've heard he likes to wallow in another officer's mess

Is he one? I'd never have guessed etc.